Itsumo
by MoonExpressions
Summary: Collection of Thrill One-Shots (Growing Up)- Sometimes you just don't realize what else you have in life when the object you want is unreachable.
1. Itsumo

A/N: I have been wanting to just do quick oneshot compilations so here's number one.

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**Itsumo**

**Rated**: M

**Summary:(Retrace)- If there was one memory I could retrace, I would retrace that one person.**

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**Retrace**

_**Echizen Residence**_

There was a time; a moment somewhere in the back of my mind that sometimes resurfaces. A certain memory that would haunt me and throw what if's in my head. It wasn't something I thought about every day, but sometimes it would float into mind and I would pause and think about it. Still, I never took the time to fully think it out because I hate what if's, I hate regrets, and I like to think I have none.

So it was no wonder that I continued on with life and shut that memory away….

That was until this day. All it took today was a picture my daughter brought me. It was out of her curiosity of who they were and a distant memory of one college day with my senpai's vividly filled my mind as if it had happened just yesterday.

In the photo Kikumaru-senpai was squeezing the life out of me as usual, Kawamura-senpai was dressed in his chef outfit because they had pulled him away from his work for this photo. Inui-senpai with his serious glasses andhis fat worn notebook of data that contained too much nonsense and truth. Tezuka-senpai with his never changing mature, buchou face who happened to be visiting from London that one spring day. Oishi senpai with his polite smile, Momo-senpai with his enthusiastic grin, Kaidoh-senpai with his pissed-off viper face and then… there was_ those_ deep blue eyes that I knew were behind those closed eyes. There was that irritating, familiar smile from within the photo staring at me years later still retaining that hint of danger and challenge.

**20 years ago**

**Tokyo, Japan**

Ryoma scowled in distaste at the ugly feeling inside. He couldn't quite identify the actual description of what the feeling inside him meant but if anything, one clear feeling shone through.

He didn't like her.

Her was Fuji's girlfriend.

It wasn't that she wasn't nice or decent looking, no, that was far from it. Actually if Ryoma thought any more on it, the problem was that she was too pleasant to the eye, too well-mannered, too likeable.

She wasn't someone Ryoma could write off with any old excuse that she was too much like this or that. No, she was perfect like Fuji-senpai had said and that was what ate at him.

Because it wasn't as simple as 'I don't like your girlfriend so I'm not going to hang around you when she's around'. It was the fact that just recently Ryoma found out his mind had allowed more than tennis, school, Karupin and Ponta to fill his head. It was the irritating fact that he had _wanted_ to see the tensai, the fact that he wanted to scowl at the incredible things that came out of his irritating mouth, to watch how his lips curl at the ends when he was mischevious, to be a brat because he knew he'd get to feel those slender hands run though his hair momentarily.

Yes, Ryoma knew it was unlike him to want that. He knew he preferred to be alone and yet something he didn't like was happening. He had recently discovered his feelings for the blue eyes tensai.

He hated it.

He didn't want these conflicting emotions, he didn't want the color to rise on his face as he replied to simple questions, he wanted to NOT have anything to do with his senpai but his feelings disagreed with his rationality.

"_So if I was honest, those were the happiest and most painful days of my life then. Because I was his friend, his kouhai. Yet I was having the most conflicting feelings remaining like this."_

Ryoma had no experience in such matters if he was honest. There never was a need to try to understand how one like him could want to be with someone so different and annoying. So in all honesty, Ryoma dealt with it by suppressing it.

It worked at first too. He was able to function normally without revealing his problematic feelings… but then those feelings wanted more than to just quietly exist and observe, they wanted to flow.

Ryoma was not that type though. If suppressing those swirls and aches wouldn't work then he'd abandon it and run… which also worked for a while. But like all things that usually lay buried, it had its way of worming up.

"_So I gave in. That's what the damn feeling wanted right? For me to throw my hands up and admit that deep down I liked my senpai…. A lot. But you know, those feelings wanted more than just admittance after all that time I tried to bury and pretend. It wanted to be said, to be known to more than just me."_

It was a good time to say something yet Ryoma kept holding back. He was going professional and leaving them like Tezuka-senpai. He was graduating and moving on with life but still the dull ache at seeing Fuji-senpai with his girlfriend continued. Ryoma knew he was being stupid but he was in fear of the inevitable after all this time. He knew only rejection was in the horizon and the feeling of being broken. Still. Ryoma couldn't hate her or him so he continued to force his feelings to back off.

"_Still the temptation finally won out. It was one night in his apartment, two days before my departure, just him and me celebrating my professional career with liquor and memories. Nothing probably would've happened that night if the electricity didn't die, if I didn't wish for time to stop momentarily for me, if those feelings would've just allowed themselves to be quietly buried."_

Ryoma leaned over in the moment. It was one of those moments where no rational thought passed, it was all instinct. Ryoma pressed his lips against Fuji's warm ones and applied enough pressure to engrave the feelings. He had spent enough time lingering without knowing. Perhaps it was the perfect excuse to finally show his cards, so he did it.

Ryoma's eyes lid open. He didn't know he had closed them until this moment but he wasn't going to leave this hanging. He adverted his eyes to Fuji's lips and spoke.

"Fuji-senpai, I like you."

Plain and simple. No fancy words, no edging around it. Just the way he'd always been. Straight and blunt to the point.

Ryoma watched those blue eyes he loved widen in shock. The mouth that usually would have a witty comeback or answer open speechless.

Ryoma hadn't wanted that moment to pause but it did. It was the longest pause in his life since the he could remember.

"_I felt an immense release I never knew I was holding and though he didn't say anything I knew we couldn't be together. I left that night with tears watering behind my eyes and something stuck in my throat. I was glad he wasn't nice and called for me or I wouldn't have been able to walk away bravely like that. I might've collapsed, cried… or worse; demand he return my pent up feelings."_

**Echizen Residence**

"So you were okay with that?"

Ryoma smiled at his daughter and nodded slightly as he eyed the photo in his hands.

"I had to be. I couldn't love him if I couldn't reach him. I left convinced I had no regrets."

"So do you then daddy?"

Ryoma shook his head and looked up at his golden eyes that stared intently back at him.

"I met my daughter's mother and slowly I buried those feelings I had for a senpai, I met my daughter and she still stares at me with those eyes."

The woman smiled and hugged her father.

"I love you daddy."

I love you too." Ryoma replied setting the picture back into his college yearbook before shutting it with a soft thud.

He watched his daughter walk away before he pushed the book back to where it had sat all these years.

Sometimes Ryoma wondered if he had returned what would have been the outcome.

Would he have returned those feelings?

But if he did then his daughter wouldn't exist.

"_Would I be happier with him then I was now?_

_I don't know, all I know was that if I could retrace a memory, I would retrace that one person permanently into my life instead of having what if's._

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A/N: I mainly wrote this because I feel there are times in life where you sit and wonder what would have happened if you went a different path than the one you chose. I hope you all enjoyed it so review to show your love and share your thoughts.


	2. Growing Up

A/N: It is time I've exited the slump I've been having and get back into business. I owe you guys all this update for being so patient.

Thank you for the comforting and entertaining PM's, the reviews to remind me there still are readers, and the casual push for a new chapter.

No promises for the releases to come but I will do my upmost to get back into a routine that will include regular updates. Until I can get back into routine of my mass updates, I'll be releasing at least 3 chapters every Friday. Those chapters I'll give everyone the option of choosing by reviews received on the stories since people have mentioned that not everyone can vote on poll unless they have an account. Deadline of review count will be Mondays. If anything ties, I may or may not make an exception and release an extra chapter on Fridays.

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**Growing Up**

**Rated:** M

**Summary:** Sometimes you just don't realize what else you have in life when the object you want is unreachable.

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I loved him… it was as simple as that. I became his hope, his dream, his pillar

_Yet… even that wasn't enough to hold him near me._

'_Echizen…I could never accept your feelings for me.'_

_Worthless…._

_Worthless was the tears that fell from my eyes at this moment…_

_They were merely a decoy to my anger, a sight for my state and every part of my bleeding heart._

'_You should forget about me…'_

_Despite how hard I tried to hide the tears, to hold back the bittersweet memories, I failed miserably… I lost my composure first. Even IF though…even if he could destroy me from the inside out like this… I would never give him the pleasure of seeing this side of me. Instead I had turned my back on him and with tears running down my eyes, I had managed to laughingly tell him it was okay… that I had been joking and was only playing with him. _

_Baka, _

_Why should I give up?_

_Should I go against my heart? do I not have some strength to turn your head or heart? _

_Loving you is not a crime. I like you, I love you and that won't change._

_I was guilty of loving him, guilty of running away at the painful second he turned away, and very damn stupid for even thinking that he felt the same about me as I did for him._

'_I like you Echizen.'_

_I was very stupid… stupid enough to cling to a small string of hope that it was a very different like then the friendly one. _

_It was my fault I bet my entire love on that hope… it was my fault I fell in love…so I couldn't blame anyone but me… I can't even blame him…because he never led me on intentionally; I had initiated the thought._

"Ryoma?"

Ryoma glanced up from the book he had been staring blankly at for the last few hours.

His mother frowned when she opened the door to see him exactly how she left him hours ago. Her frown further furrowed her beautiful face when she approached with lunch on a tray for him. She noted that this page was the same one from hours earlier as well.

"You didn't touch your breakfast" Rinko stated instead seeing as how the tray she left that morning was still sitting on his table untouched.

"I'm sorry" Ryoma said almost as if he was being programmed to spit out words rather than processing and understanding what was being said.

Rinko sighed and pulled the book from her son's hands. She didn't know what was wrong. Just the other day he had been himself and then yesterday morning he refused to go to school stating he was sick.

"Oba-san?" Nanako said poking her head through the door.

"Yes Nanako?" Rinko asked looking at her niece.

"Ryoma's friend is at the door for him." Nanako said sneaking a worried gaze to her little cousin who was sitting up in bed.

Rinko sighed seeing as that got no reaction from Ryoma. She brushed past Nanako and headed downstairs. She stopped in the hall and looked at the boy sitting on her sofa. She openly frowned when she noted that this boy had the same distant look as her son. Was something going on that she should know about?

"I'm Ryoma's mother," Rinko stated drawing the boy back to the situation at hand.

"I'm Fuji…. Fuji Syuusuke," The boy uttered staring at the brunette with a polite smile. Though he answered, Rinko was irked that he too didn't seem all here.

xXx

_Obsession._

_It raged inside me like a tempest._

_It ate at me, distracted me_

_And yet it wasn't enough to hold him near me_

'_Ani, let go of me!'_

_Sweet pain_

_Sweet pain of being told to disappear, it was but a passing pain for my anger, my raging heart _

'_I'm not your life!'_

_I couldn't believe it…_

_Where did I go wrong? Did I not love him enough? Did I not shield the evil away from him properly? Why was he turning his back on the one who loved him most?_

_Why should I give up?_

_Should I go against my heart? _

_I was guilty of loving him, guilty of holding him possessively in grasp at all times. Was the little boy who ran after me so willingly gone?_

'_I wanna be with you always Ani!'_

_I was very stupid… stupid enough to think after all these years he still felt the same as I did._

Syuusuke felt a tug on the sleeve of his uniform and snapped back.

That's right, the team had volunteered him to go check up on their boy-wonder. He hadn't been able to come up with an excuse as everyone else did. He had no idea why Ryo-chan hadn't been in school for two days now but still he was sent to inquire and so here he was being dragged upstairs.

xXx

Rinko didn't care that she didn't know this boy, she continued to drag him upstairs. From the way both were acting she could tell that there was something between the two. They probably fought and this was their way of shutting everyone out.

She let out a huge sigh as she wondered when it had become so hard to raise adolescent boys. Weren't daughters supposed to be the hard ones?

Opening Ryoma's door she pushed the boy in and gave him the best smile she could muster through her anger.

"Fix it!" Rinko announced and shut the door loudly.

Both boys stared blankly at each other not understanding what Rinko had meant when she said those two words.

"Fuji-senpai," Ryoma uttered.

"I was worried… I mean everyone was worried," Syuusuke corrected with a slight smile.

"Funny," Ryoma said with a half-hearted smile as well. "I could see through that one."

"Eh?" Syuusuke asked not understanding what he meant.

"Smile," Ryoma stated bluntly though today it didn't sound bratty like every other day when he decided to share his opinion.

"Why are you staring at me with such pity?" Syuusuke asked noting Ryoma's look.

"Did you get rejected?" Ryoma asked. "Because I can see it in that fake ass smile on your face."

"Is it because it's the same one on your face that you say that?" Syuusuke countered back with a sharper smile.

"Is that how low I've fallen?" Ryoma asked with a bitter smile now apparent on his face.

The silence filled the air as each contemplated the others next move. Was denying the best way around this? Maybe admittance?

"We're so sad," Ryoma finally said with a short laugh. "I can't believe the pillar and tensai are even here discussing trivial things together."

"What was love to you Ryo-chan?" Fuji asked taking a seat beside him on the bed. Though he spoke to Ryoma, his eyes focused on the tree that blocked the view of Ryoma's window from seeing further to the backyard.

"I was enchanted maybe," Ryoma said with a visible shrug. "I was impressed probably."

"I suppose I was too confident that time wouldn't move," Syuusuke added before he glanced at Ryoma.

"I guess we were both wrong," Ryoma said with a slight smile.

"I suppose even the best fall down when dealing with such things," Syuusuke announced feeling a breeze of relief settle inside him from talking about it.

Another silence filled the air as both continued to stare off in their own thoughts and yet both were very conscious of the person beside them.

"Will you come to school tomorrow?" Syuusuke finally asked.

"Maybe," Ryoma replied.

"If for nothing, at least come entertain me," Syuusuke said with a small chuckle.

Ryoma didn't answer. He merely nodded.

Though it barely seemed that they both solved anything, Syuusuke left and Ryoma felt like he fell back into reality.

xXx

"O-chibi!" Kikumaru whined as he caught Ryoma in a tight hug. "Kiku thought you would never come back!"

"Kikumaru-senpai, it's only been two days." Ryoma reminded him with a frown as he caught his hat that was slipping off his head and struggling to get out of the tight grasp with the other hand.

"So long!" Kikumaru stated rubbing face against Ryoma.

"That's enough Eiji," Oishi said peeling his partner off of Ryoma with an apologetic look. "Everyone had better head to practice before Tezuka gets here."

Practice went relatively normal. There wasn't the awkwardness Ryoma thought would be there thanks to Momoshiro and Kikumaru-senpai. Before Ryoma even realized it, hours had passed and practice was already over.

"I'm relieved,"

Ryoma looked to his side as he passed through the school gates to head home. Tezuka stood there with his usual stoic look looking at Ryoma.

"About?" Ryoma asked in his usual bratty tone. He stared at the man he was so sure he liked a little too much.

"You're not sulking," Tezuka said concisely. "I was worried you were going to be unreasonable and quit."

"Did you really think these last few days was because of you?" Ryoma asked with a small smirk. "Don't you think you're thinking yourself a little too important in my life?"

Tezuka didn't respond. He merely looks at Ryoma as if studying him for a few moments before turning away.

'The hell do I find attractive about him?' Ryoma wondered but in his heart, it hurt that he was so insignificant to buchou.

xXx

Fuji on the other hand left that day a bit out of sync. His mind was still completely filled to the brim of Yuuta being ripped away from his side by the manipulative Mizuki. He had barely registered that Ryoma had come to school and attended practice.

With a sigh, Fuji continued on his way home only to come to a stop seeing Mizuki and Yuuta walking beside each other leaving the house. He wasn't sure what came to mind first, the anger or the feeling of being replaced.

"Interesting…"

Fuji turned to see Tezuka staring at him with his usual unreadable expression.

"Tezuka…" Fuji uttered.

"It's been a long time since you've showed anything other than that mask."

Fuji didn't know how to respond. He merely watched Tezuka walk away.

xXx

The next two days were a struggle for Ryoma and Fuji. They were out of sync with everything.

Fuji got caught day dreaming for the first time ever in class. Ryoma was awake for a whole class period without falling asleep once.

It only continued to get more intense as everyone started catching on their short attention span. The team duly noted that after Ryuzaki-sensei gave them the training schedule for practice that day, Only Ryoma and Fuji failed to hear or know anything about it.

So they ran laps together and yet separately since they were side by side making rounds but each was lost in their own thoughts. It was probably the fact that they both finished simultaneously that they finally noted each other's change.

"Ryo-chan," Fuji said as he realized they both were the only two headed straight for home while everyone was going out to eat.

"Hn?" Ryoma responded looking at Fuji.

"Let's have a match," Fuji said with a smile.

"We just finished practice," Ryoma reminded him.

"But we didn't get to play," Fuji reminded him. "Don't you think it's time we focused?"

Ryoma sighed but nodded. They both headed a bit awkwardly together to the park and took off their school jackets. Each opened their own bags and pulled out their racquets. Without a word to one another, they chose their own sides and Ryoma produced a ball which automatically made him server.

Bouncing it a couple of times, Ryoma hit it hard across court only to find that Fuji was just as fast returning it. He swung the ball back over and as it continued its volley of onslaught from them both for much longer than they meant to go.

Both were now sitting on a bench sipping away at a Ponta and water, heaving hard and yet completely satisfied. They noted that the sun had set already and both should be headed home to start on some homework but as they both grabbed their bags they looked at each other and once more came to an understanding. They had given their all to this match together and for that whole two hours, had forgotten their worries.

"Next-"

"Shall we-"

Both stopped and smiled at one another. It didn't need to be said. They both understood they shuld do this again.

xXx

And so weeks rolled by and they continued the same pattern. No one else questioned them even though they made the same routine out each time. They all seemed to understand that this match after practice to Ryoma and Fuji was like therapy.

Every once in a while a couple of them went to watch the match never knowing who was going to win but they realized almost immediately that this wasn't a show of strength or points accumulated match but just an all-out release of frustrations and whatever else between them.

"Ani… you didn't follow us again did you?" Yuuta said with a frown.

Ryoma and Fuji did their usual and came to the usual spot only to find that Fuji's younger brother and another boy who looked more on the cockier side was playing on it.

"I came with Ryo-chan to play not to play guardian," Fuji said with a smile though the tone was quite cold.

"Mizuki, let's go then," Yuuta said putting his racquet away. "You guys can play since we've been practicing for a while now."

Fuji didn't respond. He merely watched his brother pack up, place his precious hand in that disgusting Mizuki's and walk away.

"If you were holding anything, it would've died to how tight you have your hand fisted." Ryoma commented noting Fuji's tightly balled fist. His best guess was that this was what started his senpai's distraction in the first place…. Which was kind of strange for Ryoma.

He had heard of being a protective brother for girls but he had never seen the same rule applied to younger brothers.

"Sorry," Fuji uttered though it was just a word that didn't hold the attachment of actually being sorry.

"You have a strong attachment to your brother don't you?" Ryoma questioned looking at Fuji.

"That's none of your business," Fuji coldly cut. "Shouldn't you be more worried about your problem with Tezuka."

Ryoma stiffened and looked almost angrily at Fuji. "What does this have to do with buchou?"

"Isn't that your problem you've been having?" Fuji questioned taking a seat to.

"Che!" Ryoma merely uttered as he turned to leave. He didn't want to play with that kind of Fuji. He had become accustomed to Fuji's teasing game play and mysterious play style. They had grew over the weeks from not speaking to commenting every now and then. Smiling and laughing at other times and today's atmosphere felt even more distant then their first time they played here.

"Running away?" Fuji asked.

"Aren't you?" Ryoma called out. He didn't stop and continued on his way. He knew Fuji was right as well but he was going to go settle his dues.

xXx

So their tennis dates stopped. On the third day Fuji wondered if this was how withdraw felt like because the loneliness settled in and though he now had time to hang with his sister and Kikumaru, he still felt displaced as his sister commented one night to him. He began to contemplate is Ryoma was going through anything similar.

Ryoma wasn't idle in the last three days either. He had made time to talk it out with Tezuka after thinking every through. He had faced Tezuka and admitted that his like for him was just out of respect and nothing more. It was not in romantic feelings.

Tezuka had smiled and told Ryoma that there were no hard feelings between them.

So though the feelings of anger lingered for Fuji, Ryoma was back to normal with Tezuka. Perhaps that is what came into play a week after their mini fight about feelings. Ryoma figured that maybe he liked Fuji a lot more than he should during this time as well since he felt himself searching for the Tensai during his spare time during practice. Still, he wanted to know Fuji's feelings first so he set it all up.

Ryoma had purposely stopped Tezuka to talk after practice and was having a good time trying to gauge Fuji's reaction.

Then Fuji had happened by and felt the jealousy that raged through him when he saw Yuuta and Mizuki run through him for Ryoma and Tezuka.

"What was that?" Fuji asked after Tezuka left and Ryoma started to head home.

"Nothing to you," Ryoma said and continued on his way past but Fuji grabbed his arm hard and turned Ryoma to face his frowning face.

"It was everything to me!" Fuji insisted jealously.

"Why is that? You like me?" Ryoma asked sassily.

Fuji bent to kiss him for an answer. It started as just a touch of the lips but quickly escalated to an open mouth kiss before Ryoma pulled away and stared at Fuji hard.

"I'm protective of what's mine," Fuji admitted with a frown. "That's why I couldn't stand that Yuuta was no longer just mine to manipulate."

"So you love me?" Ryoma asked cheekily with a smirk.

Fuji response was the same as it had been for the question before. He sealed Ryoma's lips with his own and let that explain for him.

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A/n: Just a short I had half-finished for the longest time on my hard drive so I thought I'd do a release with it. Do leave a review with your thoughts should you have time.


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